privilege & positivity

I am shamelessly a hopeless optimist.

Anyone who knows me can attest to this. I'm that annoying friend who always says that everything will be okay. But, honestly, I firmly believe in that. Call me cliche or too hopeful or just plain dumb, but this is really my viewpoint on my life.

I'm not saying I've never felt hopeless before. Trust me, I've been there - the midnight breakdowns, crying until my eyes are so swollen I magically get a double eyelid, seemingly never-ending anxiety about anything and everything, eating and eating in the belief that extra calories will somehow consume my feelings - yeah. It's been real bad, and I acknowledge that. I'm not happy-go-lucky 100% of the time - I don't think anyone can be, realistically. But I'm able to get back on track through one thing: checking my privilege.

Whenever I feel like the world is ending over whatever issue I'm freaking out about at the time, I make sure to think - to really think - about what it is that I'm focusing all of my energy on.

Is it an emergency?

Is it something I'm going to remember in fifty years?

Is it something I can fix?

And, most importantly: am I fortunate enough to have this issue?

It sounds counterintuitive, but let me give you an example. One issue that plagued my life recently was this past summer, when I was extremely upset and hard on myself because I wasn't able to get any internship offers. But when I stopped to think about it, how fortunate am I to even have a summer internship be an option? The minimum requirement for summer internships generally involves being enrolled in a four-year university, meaning countless individuals who are not able to attend college for one reason or another are excluded from these opportunities.

An easy way for me to stop myself from feeling negative about small things in my life is keeping a gratitude journal. I used to log five things I was grateful for every single day my Freshman year at UCLA in this journal, and it really helped me to stay positive in possibly some of my darkest times. One of my favorite things to do was think about the five worst things to happen in my day, and turn them into memories I was fortunate to have. If I felt bad about a midterm, I would think about how fortunate I was to be able to learn such advanced material at a top public university. If I was tired from walking all around our hilly campus all day, I would think about how fortunate I am to have strong and healthy legs that allow me to withstand long and steep walks.

That being said, genuine hard times are real - there's no denying that. It's okay to be mad, to want the Midnight Scream to exist every week and not just during finals. I still feel like some of my problems are helpless, too. But I'm able to recognize a difference between issues I can set aside, and issues that force me to have to debrief and practice lots of self care about.

So, next time something seems to be picking at your skin, think about how much this problem is worth. If it is completely valid and warranted, please cry (tears are good, folks!). But if you know you'll forget about it in the future, try and turn your negative into a positive. Maybe you'll see that sometimes, your funk might just be a fortune.

Warmly,

Kienna